Keep your hands to yourself

By Cletus Bianchi

Our kids bring home more than just knowledge and homework from elementary school. They also carry the latest germs and viruses.

Funny how my body can handle pains, strains and punctures without too much downtime, but introduce one little rhinovirus or gastrointestinal bacterium or any of those other little gremlins that lurk in elementary hallways, and it’s over.

Frankly, I don’t understand how elementary teachers are able to survive the onslaught of runny noses and seal coughs. First-year teachers’ immune systems must crumble under the onslaught. I bet they’re very excited when they achieve ‘veteran’ status, at least as far as immunity goes.

Studies by the Mayo Clinic among others actually indicate that making a meal and cleaning the house are the activities that transfer the most bacteria from hand to mouth. Next came petting a dog or cat, then coming home from elementary school, followed by doing the laundry and using a public restroom. No surprise that telephone receivers, kitchen faucets and sponges were leading conveyors of germs and bacteria.

Finding out I was more likely to take ill from making supper or petting my dog than picking up the kids at school or going to the WC was a shock for me, until I realized we’re only talking bacteria in those cases. The viral buggers are the real icky-nasties to me.

Viruses, besides being broadcast to the general population by uncovered sneezes, also like to hang out on doorknobs and telephones. That means they’re transmitted by human hands. Did you know rhinoviruses can live for up to three hours outside the nasal passages?

Yes sir, the old human hand is a real cesspool of illness just looking for a place to spread.

I’m old-school and traditional. I believe a sincere handshake has as much value as a twenty-page notarized contract. However, if you’re harboring some viral ill will in that palm, a simple nod will suffice for me.

Although the Romans utilized handshakes nearly 2,500 years ago, the English Quakers of the 17^th century brought it into practice in Western society in its present form. They found it far more egalitarian than the involved, somewhat pompous, greeting etiquette of their time. Historians credit Thomas Jefferson with bringing it to American practice while he was in the White House. He felt a handshake more democratic than the formal bows.

Democracy is fine with me until it comes to redistribution of wealth and ailments. At that point, a bow suitable for a benevolent monarch works just fine.

Asian societies have gotten along just fine with bows for a lot longer than we’ve been around. The Indians and Thais place both palms together in the praying position and bow their heads in greeting - nothing pompous about that.

The French traditionally have a limp handshake and kiss both cheeks…no need for me to expound on that for a number of reasons.

On several occasions, I have had the misfortune of exchanging my goodwill handshake for someone else’s illness. There was one in particular when I met an outstretched hand with a firm handshake and asked how the fellow was doing. While pumping my arm vigorously, he wiped his nose on his other sleeve and informed me he was fighting the worst cold he had ever experienced.

I jerked my hand back in horror and fled to the restroom to wash like a surgeon. Picture Hollywood’s best flesh-eating special effects and you can imagine how I was feeling.

One day later, I was down for the count. It was then and there I decided to own my germs and not inflict them on unsuspecting victims.

If scientists could find a DNA marker on a virus and trace it back to whomever transmitted it to you, what would you say to the person that wasted three of your sick days or ruined your vacation?

I have pondered whether I have some sort of germ phobia – they call it verminophobia (how’s that for scary-sounding?). Since I don’t cower in the dark recesses of our home when the rhinovirus count is elevated, I think I’m clear of that particular malady.

However, I don’t think it unreasonable to refuse to offer a handshake greeting when I might be contagious. Nor does it offend if someone else extends the same courtesy by not extending their hand.

I suspect I have offended some local folks by not offering or accepting an outstretched hand. I can see it in their expressions, even when I explain my runny nose and raspy voice. I sleep better those nights, not just because of the medication, but because I know I’m owning my illness and not distributing it willy-nilly.

Numerous studies have shown the benefit of alcohol-based hand sanitizers. I now carry one in each vehicle and upon return from pushing a shopping cart or using a restroom or even grabbing a door, I’m lathering up in self-defense.

It drives me crazy that there are bathroom design institutes focused on user-friendly public restrooms with private stalls, soft music and warm colors. But, in so many of them, after you wash your hands you have to grab a door handle to exit rather than pushing it open with an elbow.

Incidentally, the Cintas America’s Best Restroom Awards since 2002 has only one repeat winner, The Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispos, CA. I was surprised to see a Waffle House in Michigan was recognized in 2004 and a Texaco station in Mechanicsville, Virginia in 2002. But, I digress.

The National Center for Health Statistics estimates that, in 1996, 62 million cases of the common cold in the United States required medical attention and caused 45 million days of restricted activity and 22 million days lost from school, according to NCHS. That’s a huge economic impact, just from the common cold (never have figured out what was so ‘common’ about them).

So, if you have to go out among the general population when you catch a cold, do us all a favor - bow politely and keep your hands to yourself.

(click here to read archived columns by Cletus Bianchi)